Your essential self is the core of who you are – what is inalterable about you. You want to understand this essence and honor it as you progress through life.
Your social self conforms, pleases, gets rewarded, earns awards. Your social self accepts responsibilities and enters into contracts.
(As a complete aside, I’ll clarify something I had to look up to be certain: the difference between inalterable and unalterable is that: 1. inalterable is that which cannot be altered; is essential, and 2. unalterable is that which is incapable of changing; is irrevocable or irreversible)
Both social and essential selves are important for you, and for those around you. At a certain point in life, we focus wholeheartedly on the social self. We might even fear that our essential desires are what’s holding us back, keeping us from the awards and recognition we crave. Aren’t all artists told, at some point, that they can’t make money doing what they love? And that is true for most of us. We don’t earn a living writing, or at least not writing what we’re called by our essential selves to write. But what we love – who we are – remains essential to our happiness and wholeness.
My essential self: creative, non-conformist, writer, thinker, loves colors and dresses. Loves to eat, and get lost in a story. Sings to herself and is satisfied by chocolate. I’m a walker and a biker. Intelligent and insightful. I love to design a space, make a dress, swim. Hot tea with milk can melt my mind. Anxious, sometimes, without warning or explanation. I sleep well, but haven’t always. I’m curious about everyone. Jokes, stories, play acting, and attracting attention to myself comes naturally. I talk with strangers good naturedly.
My social self: ambitious, nice, clean, coiffed, intelligent, organized, intent. I want to write books that become bestsellers and get made into movies. I seek mentors and read methods to grow my business and serve more writers. I want to be a success, as measured in following and finances. My ego is craven. My drive outflanks it. My social self went to college and got two majors and two minor degrees in 4 years. My social self worked on behalf of the essential self – to figure out why my obvious creativity did not propel me to stardom – when it went and got a Masters in Creativity.
As I get older, my essential self edges out my social self. That is not the experience of all people. Sometimes people age in the opposite direction. Their social self becomes who they are, and they have stifled their essential being in status and ritual, obligation and responsibility.
Neither is inherently wrong, but balance between the two is ideal.
- Your social self drives the bus – applies for grants, seeks status and recognition
- Your essential self, however, is holding the map. It knows the desired destination.
Too much social self, and your life can become unsatisfying even if outwardly you seem to be happy, accomplished. If the bus just drives and drives, it can get far from its original path, and lose the essence of who you are (were) and what you want.
Too much essential self, and your life can fail to provide you the comfort and security you want or need.
What do you consider essential to who you are? If you had to boil it down to 10 descriptors what would they be? Mine would include “feminist,” “creative,” “casual,” “funny” and more. Yours? If you have a hard time boiling it down, ask people on Facebook – who know you – to describe you in 5 or 6 words. You’ll be amazed what they come back with.
Where does your social self come in to play? Your goals, ambitions, awards, drive, and credibility? How aligned are the two selves? Is the “bus” driving you where your “map” says it should go? How might you realign the two?
We’re talking about essential and social selves this week in the FB group. Come explore! Ask to join if you haven’t already.