So much of my creativity is linked to compulsion. I am compulsive to my very core. If only I could get back all the time I’ve given over to thinking about whether I can or cannot, or should or should not have a brownie… another brownie… just a teeny nibble of that brownie… a whole batch of brownies. If I could redeploy all the effort I put in to quitting smoking and/or drinking, I’d be a Pulitzer Prize winner 10x over. (No offense to Pulitzer Prize winners who probably think it takes more than NOT doing something bad to WIN something good.) I’ve had long stretches in my life where dieting was its own compulsion. Counting, weighing, recording calories, carbs, proteins is a fun hobby. You can feel good about yourself, however briefly, as you turn back a salad at a restaurant, because you asked for the dressing on the side. The NERVE.
My hero, Erma Bombeck said it well in At Wit’s End:
Learning how to knit was a snap. It was learning how to stop that nearly destroyed me.
I can never get to the halfway mark in a book, and then just read a little more. Or a little bit each day. Once I get in deep, I’m likely to finish that book that same day. Even if I have to read till two in the morning. Or four in the morning.
Compulsions are repetitive behaviors (like knitting, eating, shopping, gambling, painting or writing) or mental acts (like planning, daydreaming, or playing “what if…”) that we seem to engage in “against our will,” against our better judgement, in opposition to our stated expectations. You might say “With God as my witness, I will not eat Oreos today.” And then, guess what? You do. Similarly, you might gird your loins day after day and state your intention to write. And then what? You don’t write.
Well, we silly humans like to think we are in charge of ourselves, our lives and the universe, but at least ourselves. There’s a whole lot of judgement attached to being “out of control.” With anger, drinking, bowel movements, “out of control” is embarrassing.
And the truth is we are not – plain and simple – in charge of much. And noticing this can cause anxiety or stress – Quick, over here with the Oreos – so we look for distraction, pleasure or gratification. Hence compulsions.
In case you never noticed, writers are a “notice-y” lot, and we tend to be self-aware. We also have 8x higher likelihood than the general population to suffer from anxiety, depression and other inner-voice volume enhancers. We notice. We judge. We take it out on ourselves with amplified inner bitches.
Therefore most writers are compulsive. You may not smoke or knit compulsively. But writing is its own compulsion. If it weren’t there would be no struggle. You’d sit down to write. It would be hard. And then, poof, you’d quit writing. You’d get on with your life. Or you’d sit down to write – because it needed doing – and you’d write, with no more struggle than one might feel when getting down to business on a batch of pots and pans that needed washing.
I guess I’m writing this as much for myself, as for you. (And if you’re anything like me, you’re in denial saying – “yeah, it’s about you, not me.”) But we have to learn to use our compulsion for good. It is part of our fabulous, quirky, idiosyncratic selves. It’s part of why we have interesting, extreme, and insightful voices. We’ve struggled with demons. We care about clarity and purpose. We have pushed through resistance and gotten to the other side. We have something of value to share with our readers. And our compulsion (read: drive) is how we get our stuff done.
We have good compulsions, bad compulsions and harmless compulsions. I’ve labeled them based on their outcome. Isn’t it good if, like Steven King, you’re compelled to write every single day including your birthday and Christmas? Isn’t it bad if your sex addiction is wreaking havoc on your marriage and your life? And isn’t it harmless if you play too much solitaire, or knit into the wee hours of the morning?
Reading those questions, many of your answers were probably, “yeah, but…” As soon as it feels like a compulsion, we have an automatic “judgement” of it. We don’t like to feel out of control. We’d like to believe we send orders down from the Neo-cortex and the body responds robotically, reliably.
If we all had that much control, the world would likely be a dull place, and characters would show less nuance than C3PO, because as a fictional robot, he has flaws and fears and is occasionally out of control.
Compulsions can be escapist – which can distract you from what you’re trying to see and say (at the very moment it gets difficult. i.e. interesting and of value.) But roll with it. Once you start beating yourself up over it, you’ve enhanced its power over you, and prolonged its negative effect. Quit judging yourself for these harmless, escapist compulsions. What harm are they doing you? You could be doing so much worse to yourself, your family, the world. Thank your compulsion for being your life’s companion.
What are your GOOD compulsions?
- We all have to write – good compulsion
- Some people have to…
- exercise
- shower
- groom
- cook
- play solitaire
- play other computer games
- color intricate pages
- and lately… watch tv news?
- Get A’s in school
- Get the teacher/boss to like them
I’m writing to free you, not from your compulsions or compulsive personality, but from your judgement and scorn over them. You may be compelled to do “time-wasting” things to be able to apply yourself to your “real life.” And, say it with me, THAT’S OKAY. Compulsion is your companion in life. You might consider it a handicap of sorts, or what you need to overcome to get anything done. But it is more like a left hand, or non-dominant hand. It is always there, a part of you. It is not as obedient or controllable as your dominant hand. But when you sit down to type, you need both hands. Let it be.