I’ve finished 8 days of low-carb eating. Let the congratulations and fanfare commence. I’m on my way, as I intend, to 30 days of low-carb eating, and a new habit, palate and lifestyle firmly implanted. And before I go much further, here’s the link to a great Cauliflower bagel recipe I made on Sunday. Yes, I made cauliflower bagels, and enjoyed them with butter and vegetable cream cheese. It was worth the effort, because I was proud of myself.
Now you may or may not be low-carb, but perhaps you’re endeavoring to live low or hi- something. And if you are, pay attention to yourself as you try. You live very much in that effort. And what does it say about you?
Perhaps you are exerting your will in one direction or another. Trying to exercise more, meditate daily, write 5 pages a day etc. What interests me about my diet – and your efforts – is not success or failure in the attempts, but in how to do it WITHOUT THE EXERTION OF WILL. You cannot white-knuckle your way through it successfully. Or at least I cannot, anymore.
I am trying to cross this Rubicon without “efforting.” I quit drinking about 15 years ago, and quit smoking about 29 years ago. Both were difficult, and I was forced to distract myself from cravings to get through the addiction phases. Moreover, I had to make big lifestyle changes – for instance I was forced to watch movies all the way through without leaving the theater for a cigarette, and required to drink free seltzer-waters when I was out at a bar, instead of $8 wines. What was I expected to do with that extra $32 at the end of a Humpday outing with friends? How was I to cope? A brownie always helped.
Jokes aside, these were hard won quits, and in general, I accomplished them by soothing myself with food instead of the contraband material. In essence, I learned nothing about myself. I just substituted one creature comfort for another.
What I’ve never done, so far, is figure out how to eat well, and not self-soothe with food, without willpower. I can’t let the Commander Bitch in my head rule anymore. I just don’t have it in me. I cannot make proclamations and set deadlines and let everyone know my dietary expectations for myself. I can no longer do to myself what has worked in the past. I cannot punish myself into submission. I need another way.
This is the door I have to walk through, because on the other side is not necessarily a slender me, but hopefully a healthier me. (Mentally and physically.) This is my Rubicon to cross – to claim dominion over all aspects of my life. Not by harsh rule, but by benevolent leadership. And why? Because “over there, through that door” is an enlightened way for me to be with myself. Accepting of not just my body as it is, but also accepting of the limitations on what I can eat nowadays. Yeah, it’s not fair. It has never been fair. And I’ve felt judged. And I judge myself. But the reality is I have to eat this way, and I have to learn to regulate my moods in some other way. And I can do that and somehow still feel happy and grateful.
Leaving behind the attachment to the outcome – weight loss – I can see a way to be with these dietary restrictions in an entirely new way. I am curious.
And as a curious person, I found myself trying to work last week, frustrated, and wanting to turn to food for solace and as a way to shift blame from a vulnerable fear (like “can I even write?”) to an easier one for me to swallow (like, “Can I lose weight?”) Even if the latter were true, I’d feel much less threatened and saddened by it than having to face the possibility of the former. A brownie makes disillusionment go down so much more smoothly, right?
So, I had unproductive days last week – gasp. And even watched way too much tv – never admit that! And napped in the middle of the day – WHAT??!! What did I even do of value – besides make those great cauliflower bagels?
Is that what I want my legacy to be? I died thinner?
No. But I believe what I did of value last week is that I didn’t resist my resistance. I didn’t try to chase it down swinging a bat, or show my resistance with a cigarette, or a beer-back. I let it be. I also didn’t eat compulsively to try to get myself back into productive mode. And nothing horrible happened.
I’m not sure what is next for me. Will I stay on the couch, listless for months? Am I doomed to try to affect my affect with chocolate and french fries? Will I feel deprived, left out, singled out? judged? Maybe, but for now, I’m managing presence, quiet and a low-carb lifestyle – 9 days and counting. To me, it feels like I’m going to figure out what I don’t know I don’t know. And this new self-knowledge will make me some new me, that will free my inner writer to try without trying. Let flow without regulating and measuring. Will this one non-effort teach my life how to be good, without negative inner dialogue?
Can you find the space to do what you want with less effort? Let us know about it in the FB group – Write Without the Fight. Ask to join, and we’ll be happy to hear all about it.