June offered a sliver of hope. We were winning. We were safe. We were planning big lives outside our domiciles. The summer has come and gone, and some of us traveled. Some of us hosted parties. Some of us got COVID or lost people to COVID. Some of us wore masks. And some of us cried…
…wee wee wee wee all the way home. (Again.)
How do you feel?
I don’t blame you if you feel blah. Stuck. Bluck. I am on again off again anxious, tired, and stuck followed by bursts of enthusiasm and determination. I mostly try to communicate with you when I’m feeling up – if only bec that’s what I want to share. But I don’t want you to assume that I’m always up, or that you should always be up. And to bring this idea full circle, you may be feeling fine, good, okay. And guess what? That’s fine, good and okay.
I have a lot of feelings lately, so, I wanted to visit that territory. It helps to be aware of feelings, so they don’t overtake you. And yet, it is good to let feelings be… present, acceptable, okay. Repressing them can also overtake you. First, let’s separate thoughts from feelings.
You think with your brain, and you feel with your body.
Some thoughts might get you down (a feeling). Some feelings create stories in our minds (thoughts.)
A Feelings Inventory
Let’s take stock of how you feel – it can be complicated. You can even feel emotional about the fact that you feel like you feel different from others’ feelings about the pandemic. (I feel I said FEEL too many times.)
Sad, Mad, Glad or Afraid are the four basic emotions. It can be hard to name precisely how we feel. If you’re frustrated, anxious, guilty, or serene you might not know precisely what’s afoot. It helps to have just four buckets for your feelings. It can take the confusion out of understanding your feelings. Get to the underlying emotion. Which of the four are you feeling?
Cover Emotions, like Guilt: Some “feelings” like guilt and anxiety, even frustration are considered “cover” emotions. They cover your real emotions so you don’t have to see or feel them. You are not present with the feeling, instead you’re hovering above it in a mind-state: anxious, frustrated or guilty. You have to dig below the surface to see which of the four feelings – Sad, Mad, Glad or Afraid – are present.
- Frustration can be a combo of Mad and Afraid, for instance.
- Guilt might have a pinch of Glad and a dose of Afraid.
When you can see the true feelings at work, you can get present with them, feel them, instead of blocking them, and let them pass more quickly.
Grief: Whether you lost someone or something integral to your life – like job, home, loved one or something else – you can suffer grief, and its predictable range of emotions. (The 5 stages of grief = Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance.) Our grief is possibly prolonged right now bec the circumstances of the loss are not changed. We are still struggling to get “back” to “normal.” Grief is an amalgam of Sad, Mad and potentially Afraid. There could be an overlay of Glad, that may cause guilt.
Stuck: Your motivation may be gone… and you’re Netflixing instead of flexing or growing. You might feel “nothing” and therefore seek to feel something, anything. Substance abuse is up, nationwide.
Some of us are languishing.
Some of us overeating, overdrinking, overthinking. Languishing is a sadness, typically. Try not to use Mad to help you get out of Sad. Seek gladness if at all possible. Do a little thing, and feel glad. Do another little thing that makes you happy. You’re on your way back.
Uncertainty: We have many crises at once,
Besides COVID-19, the Delta variant, we have social injustice, the end of a 20 year-old war, climate change induced weather catastrophes, the anti-abortion law being greenlit by the Supreme Court, unfair voting restrictions, mass shootings. For goodness’ sake, yesterday was the 20th Anniversary of 9/11.
We have lots of reasons to worry, fret, and feel unsure of ourselves. Uncertainty can make it hard to choose a direction, make a decision. And this can keep us stuck.
Resilience: “So, what? So, I had to sit on a couch for 18 months. I’m fine. I’ll live.”
- Stress, depression, uncertainty, and grief can be exhausting in and of themselves.
- We might be mean to ourselves in underestimating the impact of what we’ve been through.
We don’t have to be worse off than others – essential workers, first responders, people who lost a family member or a job or their house – to recognize and accept that we also have feelings. We don’t have to be “FINE dammit,” all the time. It’s not a race. We’ve all been through a lot, and how you feel is how you feel.
Flourishing: People who felt as they felt, without judging, were more likely to flourish. They found structure, and built a life around their goals and engaged in accomplishing them, like the myriad sourdough bread makers. It is okay that you flourished, even as others suffered, or are still suffering. It is okay if you were flourishing and now you’re languishing.
Allow for Grace
Grace is not big in my vocabulary. I have to find it when I need it. I have to focus on feelings and turn off my thoughts. Turn off my stories about how I feel, or how I should feel. I seek to simply feel and be okay with it. I guess it is what I hope for you too.
What are you feeling? How has it surprised you? Let’s talk about it this week in the FB Group. Ask to join if you haven’t already.